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I Love how Dark I am.

Published March 2, 2020March 3, 2020 by Jacqui Hathaway Levin in healing, recovery, shadow

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Three years ago today I took a risk. I pushed off. 🍃I’m more grateful for my recovery than ever during these strange times. The unpredictability of each new day reminds me that I am a living, changing and evolving thing. I am always growing. I realize the tools that once worked for me at six months aren’t always going to cut it out here. “I’m good and being uncomfortable, so I can’t stop changing all the time.” ~Fiona Apple This morning I went to a women’s zoom meeting with my old sponsor. I don’t have to love everything about meetings to give and receive love in them. I don’t want to limit myself by saying “I am only this or only that”. My recovery is vast. Not everyone has to like it. “Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building.” ~Kate Bush The continuous and most deeply threaded reason that I am still living and breathing today stems from sobriety. Staying sober is the keystone for all that I have right now. I want to be present for my life. I want to feel it all. I want to cry all of my tears and laugh all of my joy as Kahlil Gibran describes in The Prophet. I want to be here for this baby, for my partner, my friends and family. I want to be all the way here for myself. I never thought this life was possible after many attempts, but here I am. And I am not only someone that I like, but I’m someone I’m learning to love. “Gratitude is not enough.” ~ @lauristallings #extraordinarymachine #threeyearssober #gratitude

On this day five years ago...there are parts of this life I miss a lot, like teaching dance and being held by an amazing group of students. But the illusion of controlling my weight and the underlying issues that kept me from really living, I don’t miss those at all. They were never worth it. I know I’m healing because I’m not attracted to pain and self-hate as a way of life anymore. It’s easy to glamorize the past, but when I dive deeper, I remember how confused and tired I was most of the time. How neglected I felt and grew used to feeling. More than anything, I TERRIFIED myself. But a lot can happen in five years. 🤍 #weareallowedtochange

Yesterday, I took my second poetry workshop with @rupikaur_ on ig live. This is the spoken word poem we wrote together live. She guided us with the lines “we met” & “and here you are”. I think mine turned out beautifully and reflects something we are all confronting right now (the unknown). More than anything, these live workshops give us a chance to see what other poets do with the same guidelines in real time. Everyone did so well. Thank you, Rupi! 🤍🌿 #writewithrupi

Sometimes you have to put on real clothes to wake up during a pandemic. I am uneasy today, just like everyone. I can’t find my emotional pulse. If it’s not about C19, it’s about being pregnant and worrying about how our government is handling this. Do they even really care? I don’t know. We won’t be the same after this. Nothing will be the same. I know our collective pain is great. I know this. But mostly, I don’t know what rivers of emotion are running through me in pandemic mode. I am a stranger to myself again most of the time like I used to be, and to be honest, that rocks my center more than anything. I’ve been keeping up with my 2020 reading and writing goals so far. But honestly, journal entries have been most helpful in getting sorted. This is shock. This is trauma. We are in many layers of grief according to an article in @harvard_business_review I can’t file this feeling anywhere in particular, but I know what to do when I am lost. I’ve been here before. I’m thankful for the tools of recovery that taught me how to manage new emotions. I’m grateful that I know how to stick with myself and TRUST myself. I don’t know what else to say. Just wanted to share my uneasiness this morning. Michael is home, and we are doing this together. How are you feeling? Do you know? #covid_19

This is an extra layer. It’s not your job to present yourself in any certain way. You do not need to be wittier, more creative or spiritual on this day than you already are. No pressure. No rush. I think we all have enough going on outside of this box. Right? As Mary Oliver says, “You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” Thanks for sharing this image: @thesoberglow & @folkrebellion

“She knows she’s a goddamn cheetah. Halle-fucking-lujah.” @glennondoyle 🤍 I saved dozens of passages in this memoir to dive back into when I need them. Thank you, G. I never want to abandon myself again. Ever. #untamed

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