Living Unapologetically

There are no rules. No one is coming to get us. We are as free as we want to be, to live and to speak our truths. Stay the course. ❤

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What About Me? 

Maybe this is not an evaluation of me.

Maybe this is an experiment.

It will lead some place, and I will learn something. 

Everything is okay.

This is coming from the girl who used to say sorry if someone else tripped in front of her. I am sorry for existing. I am sorry that I am here in your presence.

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Image via @recovrywarriors

Everything is okay.

We are allowed to take up space because it is all glorious, and we are always learning something.

  • Since we cannot please everyone and take care of everyone else, it is so, so, so important to realize that we matter first. Tend your own garden first.
  • Maybe it is not about how far down we fall but how quickly we bounce back. How quickly can we stabilize and continue moving forward?
  • Feel the pain, don’t live in the pain.

We learn that the downfalls, failures, and waves of doubt/ depression are all temporary, but even realizations like these come and go. It all takes practice. Life takes practice, so stop demanding perfection and start living unapologetically.

Dancer Feet

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Tokyo National Museum

What are you doing with your dancer feet these days? The body you cured and seasoned for so many years is moving into a specific purpose, so what are you supposed to do once it becomes a leftover? The relic of another time with another purpose. This is where the new purpose takes the lead if you let it, but this will not be achieved if we continue living in the past. Do not apologize for who you are now. Subtle hints of the person you could be will fill your mind, but if the negative voice is too strong, it will not grow. Find a solid foundation for your new self to grow and another after that one. Be intentional and unapologetic. The ways that we become are endless. Maybe we take our dancing days and turn them into healing movements for a greater number of people, or maybe we take that one purpose into something smaller. We must stay big while staying very localized and immediate. Put your hands in the soil and find out what you are made of beyond your mythologized history. It all formed exactly who you are right now, so it has to be enough because you are still standing.

The strongest species are able to adapt.

What kind of world are you trying to survive in here?

Back to Zero

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Tokyo National Museum

What I am feeling is pain, and the pain does not define me. It is just here. This is pain.

You do not have to swallow back all of your beautiful thoughts.

Observe your mistakes.

Go back to stillness. No one can keep us from finding peace.

We are allowed to return to zero, leaving room for anything to happen once again. We are allowed to find stillness. No one is forcing us to live in shame for anything that has already happened, and if we have amends to make, we make them. Our side of the street stays clean. Once I started accepting myself and joy into my heart, I felt that this was a form of living amends to myself and those in my life who watched me torment myself for years. Jack Kornfield says that when we are loyal to our suffering, it can offer a sense of identity, and when we release our suffering, it can become our gateway to dignity, compassion, and to deeper freedom.* We are bigger than our wounds, and the more we detach, the less likely we are to over-identify with emotions and experiences. Detachment and going numb are totally different things. Awareness is key. I am awake, and I am aware.

Everyone & Everything 

Keep it simple.

Be truthful.

Do not go numb.

Know that we will not have all the answers, and no one expects us to have all of the answers.

Not everyone will like everything that we do, and as much as we think that we should be supported, it will not always happen the way that we want it to.

I have learned to focus on the people who ARE in my life giving me love and support. I used to ignore the people cheering me on and encouraging me because I was so busy spilling all of my energy into the few people who were not. Grasping.

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Artistic projection. Image via @tarabrach.

Other people and their actions have a lot less to do with what we are worth than we realize. We are not defined by thoughts and criticisms. These are just opportunities to learn and grow. Keep in mind that everyone has their own internal struggles. We all have an inner critic, but maybe some people have an abusive one that you just so happen to be adding to that day. We all explode for different reasons. Step softly and with great care into the unknown while being firm and steady. That sounds hard because it is hard, so we better start practicing.

Paper Cranes & Experiments

Stay here. Do not go numb. No blinders.

Fold paper cranes.

I am not sorry for living my truth. This is who I am.

We do not need to apologize for telling the truth.

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100 paper cranes. Going to take them to Hiroshima!

We are learning how to exist. Once we stop asking if something is cool, or if it is right and we just start living our truth without guilt, this is gliding. This is living unapologetically.  This is living our dharma and staying in tune with our true selves and most inner-consciousnesses. Life is experiment after experiment where we learn, Okay that really does not work, and okay this might work okay for now. We do not have to tie ourselves to every experience as a loss or win.

We cannot be 100% of all things at all times, and if your heart is falling into your feet because of something that no one is capable of understanding, leave it alone. Sit in stillness. Go fold some paper cranes.

Consider This;

Am I being kind to myself? Am I telling the truth? Hip Sobriety told me that we need to focus on how we want to be remembered when we are speaking passionately and publicly, so added to the list, Is this how I want to be remembered? These are questions that help me find my true north when it gets confusing seeing things from everyone else’s perspective. It takes practice to learn how to defend ourselves appropriately. We are learning all the time, and it is okay to be human just like everyone else.

This is living unapologetically.

 

P.S. Museum Date

Oh, I am in love.

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Tokyo National Museum

Michael and I went to the Tokyo National Museum two days ago. We wore rain boots and coats. We huddled under the giant clear umbrella I purchased right when we arrived. The one I made sure would help me emulate Scarlet Johannson from Lost in Translation. After one long train ride, we checked our umbrella and found a locker for our coats. Squeaky shoes and all we buzzed through each room like kids, like a personal field trip. We saw artifacts galore and held hands like a date. I ran up the stairs so he could take a picture of me on the balcony. We stopped acting if that makes sense. The moment we start thinking that we know everything about each other is when we lose the space to learn more about each other. It’s you, me, and the space between us. The channel cannot die. The conversation gets dulled, and since we are in a lifelong conversation, it means everything to keep things interesting. I am loved and supported by my husband. We are imperfect. We love each other and know how to grow through things together and apart. Thank you for supporting me through this every step of the way. I am so grateful for you.

Here is a poem because I waited for you this whole time.

“Walking In The Rain”

We walk like heavy stepping clouds

apologies come pouring down

forming pools of our regret.

It is like we never said them at all,

so we march the arbitrary march.

The one that never moves.

We lift our knees and stomp our feet,

but forward does not come.

It starts and stops a million times over.

Until I do not say sorry

when the down pour comes.

It rained this whole time.

I think to myself

We are heavy stepped and dampened clouds

Passing each other like ships

Moments pass and then it happens.

Click.

Awkard hugs and all.

We fall in love a million times

Walking in the rain

– Jacqui

For more on the sobriety journey, follow The OAM on Instagram @the_oam, and check out The OAM facebook page. ❤

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Resources;

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No Time Like the Present, Jack Kornfield

 

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