If I let my heart fall for all of the places I’ve lived, I would always be homesick. Home has to be something I cannot lose.
Sleep & Be Free
Sending love from far away.
If thought transference really exists, I know all of these messages will find a way to you. They will travel along radio waves right to your pillow. They will dissolve into your soft eyelids. I hope I arrive in the world of your unbothered, quiet mind as a hundred different shapes and faces because every time I send you thoughts, I know you will be sleeping on the other side of the world. I imagine you are gliding your way through a soft black sheet because stillness is not the same as stopped. Stillness is exposed without any motives, reasons or attempts to hide. Stillness is jaw droppingly honest and real. Sleep is for the innocent, and I know at least one of us is always dreaming. Maybe this is why I am so calm with my creativity these days. If we are transferring thoughts while one of us is always sleeping we will never stop dreaming, will we?
Somehow even though I am not around to see it, you are softer and sweeter like this. I hope it is true. I like knowing that while I walk this side of the earth everyone I love is asleep safe and sound. The wandering mind only goes as far as where I am right now. Sleeping, I know that everyone is refreshing themselves for another day. We are pure in our dreams because what happens in our minds does not necessarily determine what happens in our lives. This is a time where we are free from choices. The lack of action will set us free.
Letting go of control helped me open up to love all around me. We are not in control. We are always running after actions, but finding stillness and moments without action is where we find clarity. We have a lot less to do with life than we realize. We are all pure despite our actions. We are always dreaming.
Black Crowes & Late Bloomers
If it does not grow, it was not a waste of time. Late bloomers are beautiful too.
Black Crowes baked into a pie.
Spell out my name.
Call me out by my name.
We make fists with our hands and knead the dough until flour hangs midair. Little clouds move in slow motion through the space between our shoulders. Space becomes thick like dust, like time, like a powder kit evidence crew sweeping in to prove that we ever existed here at all. How else could you explain it? How else would you say that it happened? The moments of almost fulfilled and the time we spend building them up exist, so why are we left with nothing when they end? We shake up the world only to disappear before anything concrete appears. If you do not believe in magic, then what would you call this emotional tension that we cannot see but feel intensely?
I am not new to the world of almost.
I’ve been almost happening for most of my life.
Queen of late bloomers, the odd birds, and ugly beautiful warriors.
I know you know what I mean.
The things that do not grow have a story to tell that most of us never care enough to pay attention to at all. Splitting hairs from the fulfilled and unfulfilled moments lining the moment where we almost met. Doesn’t that become something too? Distance makes my heart a fonder place to live, so I would not change a thing about any of this.
We are starving for the present moment, so we make proclamations about finding it. Spread the word! Sometimes living too close to something makes it that much harder to find. Sometimes we have to stop thinking about right now to be here now. Otherwise we will end up missing the whole thing every single time. I think sometimes we turn the tools that give us peace into another aggression. Just remember that everyday that we are sober is a win. Every day that we stand up and show our faces to all of the jokes that people make about drinking their lives away. The jokes about something that is silently killing our women, men and teenagers, standing up to that insanity, that is a win. Sometimes just saying the truth about our sobriety is reason enough for others to hear us.
Thoughts on Shame
Shame : I think this is not the behavior of a warrior.
–Thoughts on shame while holding shame.
Shame is hard on all of us. It spreads itself evenly, but some of us hold onto it longer than others. I made a mistake. We are all capable of that you know, but when I hurt you, it hurts me. When you hurt me, it hurts you. We make mistakes. When we fall in love we are opening our hearts to other people. This means that we are opening our hearts to it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly. People make mistakes, so we have to learn to live with ourselves through all of it while learning to live with other people. We forget about love sometimes as a whole thing. It includes everything meaning: We are capable of hurting others. We are capable of being hurt. This is why it matters so much. Love is everything. It is everywhere. If we got everything absolutely perfect in life we would miss the joy of creating life and making new ways to live. Living is a real mess. We are always testing the boundaries of what it means to be human.
Schadenfreude: German Word that means “Ooh I would be happy if you had a little less going for you!” (Sharon Salzberg)
Yoga, personal growth, & friendship.
Surrounding ourselves with people who do not need us to be less so they can be more is a healthy step in the healing direction. Surrounding ourselves with what we know will nourish us instead of what we think we want is healing. Finding out what our gifts are and learning how to use them so we can inspire and enrich the lives of others. This is a path of healing.
This week I worked on chin stands enough to have the contortion captain from our show comment on how flexible I am. I worked on chin stands enough to rub the skin raw off of my chin. My chin is bright pink, and I love it because I know how it got that way.
My friend Katia and I went out with my husband to explore and take photos. She is a professional acrobat, so she asked me to try a few new things that I would not learn in yoga. All of a sudden I am a person who knows how to learn things. I am reminded that friendship does not have to be difficult or exhausting even in this very confined environment. We genuinely had fun, and I learned how to do this beautiful acro yoga pose where I support her entire body with my hips! One day it just happens, and all of a sudden you are sailing your own ship. We are captains of our own damn ships, and we are capable of seeing what needs to happen to keep things afloat. We are sailing machines! It does not have to be so difficult : however, making friends as an adult in sobriety can be challenging. I understand. Just know this: The people who are meant for you will come to you. You will start to find God consciousness and step into your own life with flair and finesse like you were meant to all along. This is how I stay grounded. This is how I find my center when we move all over the place. Home is something that lives inside of me now. It comes from inside and spirals out. We are unique, and we are all the same. If we see the beauty in someone else, we will see the beauty in ourselves. We are one. ❤
For more on the sobriety, yoga, and travel journey, please follow @the_oam on Instagram, and like The OAM facebook page for updates & inspiration. ❤
Cover image: Katia & I ; taken by :Michael Levin ❤