It will not hurt this way forever. ❤
Those are lush, cotton clouds from where I am sitting, but they will never hold me the way I want them to. They are sirens for the weary with their plushy cushions waving. These clouds are something like a pillow for my tired soul to sleep on, but resting my cheek there, as you already know, would be pointless. Another inviting bed we almost want every time we see it, but we know better. It evaporates with Mirages of the sky. The sea makes folds and creases like skin, like a solid, but it will never hold me the way I want it to. A blue marble floor for us to stand on, but we know better than to trust it. It collapses and crashes away. Humbled by this place, I am an open hand. We flew across the ocean over islands and endless blue until the sun started to set. Falling westward farther than we could catch it. We were literally flying across the planet chasing a star.
Sometimes I think I reached down my own throat to try and pull myself out for good.
To get the thing out of me.
To be clean and clear again and again.
We are always allowed to end relationships with people, substances and behaviors that are toxic to us. We do not need to ask permission to stop, and remember that alcohol and toxic people can only offer delusion. Do not ask for their permission. We must recognize the traps we set for ourselves and take action in breaking the habit. It might take a while for our internal lives to catch up with our external lives, but stopping is something we are always allowed to do. There is always enough room here for everyone.
(Note: I am free from anorexia, bulimia, alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes.)
Yoga in Japanese
Movement is very much its own language, and since all of my yoga classes here are entirely in Japanese, this is wonderful news. I am in the right place to be here, to trust other people completely, and to BELONG to a community. Since I cannot understand what the instructors are saying, I sort of have to trust everyone in my class by watching what they are doing. My second class was with Aya. Our mats were side by side, and she said “Hai” and few times for me to the teacher, but language fell to the wayside. I have been to three other classes on my own, and the ladies welcomed me with open arms. My body knows what to do. I am sure more than ever that movement and COMMUNITY are very much a language of their own. One that I am learning more and more about in sobriety.
I am needed RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
Living in survivor mode will cut our potential in half. Half of our soul goes into defending, hiding, and REACTING to survive while the other half is love and support, but wearing this label as an identity will keep us from reaching our true potential. We must grieve our experiences and losses. We must use them as badges of courage on our life experience coats. (Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
Q: Is there a limit to the amount of gifts we are allowed to receive in this life?
A: Hell no.
Q: How many times will we be asked to accept some horrible loss that we think we cannot accept?
A: Over & over
Q: How many times will we accept it anyhow only to receive something greater that fills the space where the thing we thought we could not lose was lost?
A: From my experience, more than you ever expect, but never when you are expecting it.
We are lucky. The people that are supposed to be in your life will find a way back to you. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. Loss is only half of the game. Loss is a part of the survivor’s story, and once we stop forcing this old story onto our current selves, we will grow. Let it go.
I AM AN OPEN PALM. I am a full space capable of holding and healing greater love and light. What a life this has turned out to be. Here I am welcoming it into my life through my fingers, through these words. I believe more than ever, that showing up to one’s own life is the greatest honor and privilege we have to offer through our time here on earth. Honor your truth.
What we feed grows stronger, and what we ignore grows weaker. This is a quote by Red Hawk brought to me by Elena Brower. These words have been brewing in the back of my mind for almost a year because somedays I want a disease. Somedays I miss a good old fashioned disease on my lap that I can pet and coddle and make my scapegoat to explain all that has ever been wrong with me, but there is no coddle, pet, lap disease or reason that I cannot stand up and live! I would not want one anyway.
The relationships that we feed will grow, and whether that relationship is with our true selves, alcohol, food (or lack there of), family, and friends is up to you. It comes down to what we do the most in our lives day to day. All of the days that I said yes to showing up have lead to this exact moment. I am in fact a product of life up to this exact moment. Pain and joy keep me floating. On and on. My friend and mentor of all things important (and rarely noticed in life) infamously says that “gratitude is not enough”. I feel those words right down to my bones. This is it. Showing up running at my full potential.
P.S. Tokyo Sunset
Sitting on the 24th floor of our building this evening watching another sunset over the Tokyo skyline. Another day without anything in my system feels noticeably brighter tonight. I live this life now that at one point felt impossible. For once, I am savoring this moment of peace where everything feels just right. The out of place parts are okay with me too. They are where they need to be, and they match who I am right now exactly. It takes time to perfect anything let alone something as a vast as your life. It will never happen. This entire ride is about attempting to coast on choppy waters by finding what works and avoiding what does not work. For those of us on the up & up recovery track, we are wearing a whole new proverbial outfit when it comes to modes of living ones life. We are beautiful and awkward in an unfinished way, and I am just now realizing how awesome it is to be me. ❤
For more on the sobriety, yoga, and travel journey, please follow @the_oam on Instagram, and like The OAM facebook page for updates & inspiration. ❤