Maudlin- self-pityingly or tearfully sentimental, often through drunkenness. “the drink made her maudlin”
Every side of the table now from the cheap seats, the box seats, green rooms, and sound booths. Every level is imaginable. We can get there and leave here in a heart beat. The bees to the honey to the jar on my table, and the wheat to the toast underneath raspberry and butter with the twists on her apron swinging. Cornflakes in the bowl. 2% Milk pouring into “You Are my Sunshine”. My Blurry colors of Xanax, and why was no one supervising me? Maybe someone was and maybe that’s why I’m still here. It is okay to review the memories without living them or getting to MAUDLIN over them. Drunk on the way that things were. Sick and overfed when it comes to feeling. Bright Eyes was my safe place and therapist, so if you know who that is then you know what I mean, and if you think that it is lame, we probably shouldn’t be friends like ever.
New favorite word: Maudlin. Maudlin.
I used to live on Mauldin Rd during the shady and blossoming years teenage to early twenties. During all of those years I’d never heard anyone use the word Maudlin like I knew it would be my name or something, like it might wear me because we look too similar. It’s like this word just appeared out of thin air within the last year. Oh Yeah that thing we do when we are EMO is now going to be called Maudlin. Those colors are blurry. I was seventeen once. Twelve years ago that’s almost two seven year itches from right now. I did not know how to be anything but unhappy. I was only stuck rolling out my life on that mountain top like it was the only one. It was the highest because there were no others around. This is all there is, and I guess I will make the best of it. It never occurred to me that life could be more than what it was at that time. Maudlin on Mauldin.
Wise Words on Family
Family means that we are not always going to be best friends. We are not always going to project the ideal versions of our relationships. Family means that we stick together no matter what. We learn how to be separate and together. Cut from the same cloth, so what it is that you are feeling is something that I also feel. Taking care of each other. What happens to you happens to me too. If it happens to you too often it may not be the best idea to stay close, but I still love you.
Sitting still with my family. Sitting still in general. Sitting still is new. We are always moving. We are always moving around, but I am still.
Fear is real. We all face it. We all have the choice of whether or not we want to believe in it or not on a daily basis. I went to yoga anyway. I am one month into the middle ground here. There is an exceptional lack of control in my life right now, and earlier today, I felt like I could punch someone in the middle of hot yoga. Even after my instructor gave me one of the most useful tadasana alignment adjustments of my lifetime, I pulled away from her in disgust. How dare you touch me? Can’t you see I’m in a mood and it is a great accomplishment that I am even here?! Rejection. Rejecting the current circumstances. This is fine when it is fine, but what about when it is not fine? This is why I meditate, because I curl back into a ball. It is always a shock, but it happens again and again because this is my known behavior. I swirl tightly back into my shell burrowing into myself. The tightest fist. Ugh. The piano tuner just got here, just in time to ring bells to my thoughts like little tests. It is kind of nice though. This is actually really soothing. He plays the keys, and it’s nothing like construction. I cannot understand why parents get so upset about children making up songs on the piano. There are millions of other sounds I find more intolerable than piano scales and tunes. If you have a piano, teach them how to play, or enjoy whatever music they want to make. It could be worse.
Mistakes are Mistakes!
We are allowed to change. If we take our lives as a process of letting go, we can change how view ourselves. It isn’t until we learn to turn away from our own self-hate that we are able to notice how useful and necessary we are in the world after all. This month long hiatus meant handing over control.. whatever that means. All I know is that it surfaced some of the darker sides and stories I know about myself that I thought had dissolved.
Life is not a fairytale where there are good guys and bad guys. The hero exists right with the villain in each of us. We are capable of all roles. We have all done things that make us cringe. I used to hate myself because I thought I ruined something that should have been pure. I wrote myself as a villain because of something I did that I could not undo. I wore it like a part of me, like a secret that eventually others would figure out, so I enjoyed people for however long it took in their goodness before they found me out that yes, I am actually a villain. I’m not a hero like all of you! HAH! Shock! Guilt does not leave, and eventually we have to confront the big sadness and forgive ourselves. It is OKAY. You are going to be okay after all even though you made a mistake.
The belief that we are expected to be innocent one hundred percent of the time is outrageous. As we watch those around us make mistake after mistake, it is easy to draw a picture of them as “other-than” because we think they are different than us, but this is not true. It is because we know their mistakes all too well as a sign of our own darkness that we turn away from them, but this is where we all relate. Failure is what we all have in common as humans, but so often we find unpleasantness in our own lives intolerable, so how can we find acceptance when it comes to other people?
In A.A. meetings all around there is a common story about how only the blind truly know what it means to see. This is what it means to be sober after living life as a drunk. This is a bright and happy place for me to imagine. Sobriety = life working out so perfectly. This recovery metaphor is beautiful and obvious to me most of the time. Most days I know that I have insight from living in life’s darkest and lightest places, and most days, it is amazing! This is a blessing, but since we shift constantly I am not always able to see things this way. There are always reminders of the benefits here, but this does not excuse the sometimes startling memories of who I once was and what I am capable of becoming. The comforting part in this, even if it takes a few days and thousands of deep long breaths, is that everyone is capable of making mistakes. There is a big difference between falling in love with a story about who we are and observing it to grow from and move past. We are all the things, and as Ethan Nichtern says so beautifully, “maybe, just maybe, all the moments matter.” Love your story ❤
For more on the sobriety journey, follow The OAM on Instagram @the_oam, and check out The OAM facebook page. ❤