Clouds in The Bell Jar

Too sweet, too nice-nice, and too more-more.

“Am I enough?”

“Will you accept me now?”

Stay here and stay buried, or wake up to your overfed and overstuffed psyche. Over caked and caked on over your bare-ness, your raw beauty. Behind your five faces lies the only truth. Before you had any reasons for being anything other than what you already knew. Pause and breathe. This is the part without answers or questions because we feel it all in the shadow. We hear it all in the silence.

“Being real doesn’t mean being reckless, it means allowing La coz mitológica, The Mythological Voice, to speak. One does this by shutting off the ego for a while and letting that which wishes to speak, speak.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

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No Self

The inner flame rises, and I gladly step out of my own way again and again. The language of my unaltered heart- what does that look like? The idea of what is mine wastes away. This is the part where my supervisor leaves the stage. Firmly planted like most things breaking through top soil, intuition takes the lead. Intuition leans us out and unfolds us up towards the light like all things that grow. Learn to be a growing thing, and stand out of the way. This means putting the “too good mother” psyche to rest in the corner, so our inner nature finally has a chance to speak. Good night to ego. Good night to sweet-sweet and more-more. Most of us are trained to supervise. Some of us even view monitoring ourselves as an essential part of life, keeping our houses in order, but what if we stopped monitoring our food, our behavior, our thoughts? We might just fall into some dark and unchangeable madness, right? This is the fear for many of us that without constantly training, tucking, weighing, planning, and fixing ourselves, we will just break loose out into full and gross exposure. Imagine the ugliest and most unloveable thing you can think of. Okay, well.. this is how a lot of us paint the other side of our daily up keep. The shadow side will creep out of our ears if we don’t stop trying so hard to white picket fence ourselves. We do a lot to keep ourselves from showing, and after looking at this massive cover up we cannot just fool ourselves into thinking this is healthy. We know what we know, so we need to stop pretending that we do not.

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Imagine your true self underneath the shape and form on the other side of your skin. The inside of your body without flesh or face. She sits waiting for some kind of purpose. This is how many of us treat ourselves; like something that stays hidden in the attic away from the neighbors feeding it scraps and tip toeing it around late at night. It is finally time to stop hiding.

 No Form 

Loving something for what it represents to us, or what it appears to be at a certain time is not only unfair, but it is also unrealistic. The idea of permeance is unrealistic. IMG_8180
Relationships change as  we all change on day to day. I read an article in Lion’s Roar magazine recently about the 3 doors of liberation; no self, no form, no goal. The section about no form stuck out the most to me in relation to who I am and how I view old relationships. The idea of no form heals us because we lose attachments and expectations for how something used to be. The longing will never end, so we need to understand loss is never loss but a transformation. The article describes no form through clouds. We find a particular cloud in the sky, but the cloud will disappear. Attachment to the cloud makes it difficult to move on  because now we feel the absence of something, but “the cloud is always there because it’s impossible for the cloud to die. It may become snow, hail, or rain, but it won’t become nothing.” We can say that we love a person for the way that they are, but what about when they start to change and the dynamic between you and that person no longer exists? The connection is still there, but the form of the relationship changes. I am a cloud, and I will change again and again.

No Goal

I was running after my life instead of living it. In the beginning of sobriety, I went to yoga and listened to HOME podcast literally all day long, and after a while I started this blog. I needed to write and just spill everything from all of my selves. Every age that needed to cry and yell did so in the beginning of this without supervision. It was imperfect. It may have seemed reckless and unprofessional, but it was freedom. It built the steps to where I am right now. Do not let anyone take that away from you. Once you stop fearing your big and ugly sides, you will be unstoppable, and the chasing feeling will fade. It will fade right on time when you are ready to stop running. Time takes time, and all the stages are important. Be here now. I am just now learning how to stop running and start living, but that’s a perspective. All of this is stuff we talk about is from a perspective, and you will have a different idea of what it means to be you for every new part of your life. Like stillness. How still is still? Well, it depends on your perspective and how fast you were going I presume. In the beginning of sobriety, everything revolves around connecting ourselves to the world because while intoxicated, those things were dulled down. We did not notice ourselves in relation to anything but more-more. More alcohol, more cigarettes, more places to hide and more of the wrong kind of silencing. Quiet in the tape-your-mouth-shut-throw-away-the-key kind of quiet. No invitations for intuition were given. More methods of hiding and planning for bottles in purses. Scraping by with rations every single time. Refugee. So stepping away from wherever your drinking days took you, will be for your eyes only. Sit in your stillness and let it grow with time.

 

My beautiful cloud, I want to keep her forever.

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I want to be a cloud, floating on by joining and separating from myself like cotton candy. I want to daydream my way through life until I fall as rain, freeze as ice, melt into a pool, and evaporate back into a cloud again. This cycle would happen without any monitoring, and if I fall behind the bell jar, will I be studied? No, because clouds do not stay the same for anyone. Clouds are not sweet-sweet or nice-nice. We will always change. We change for forever by challenging the mental, physical, and spiritual thresholds of ourselves. I realized that I want to be all that I can be. I realized that was my service to the universe to embrace my truth. One day, I just stopped trying to prove that I was something sweet and nice and more than reality. We need a lot until one day, we don’t. After all of the cigarettes I smoked and gallons of alcohol I drank quitting was like… I do not need you anymore, Goodbye. Goodbye to ego. Good bye to sweet-sweet, nice-nice, and more-more. I do not need you anymore. I am enough, so Good-bye. I found my intuition, so Goodbye. I am not weak. I am a sentient being, so Goodbye. ❤

For more on the sobriety journey, follow The OAM on Instagram @the_oam, and check out The OAM facebook page.

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4 comments

  • I have an addictive personality and write quite a lot about killing the self. This really resonated with me and was brilliantly written. You really need to write a book about your journey. It would inspire many ❤️🙏🏻😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I get a lot from your writing too. Happy my writing inspires your process! ❤️ I see that you are working on a novel! Good luck with that new endeavor.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It’s cool to connect to other writers on here who are going through similar experiences. We heal together. Thank you for reading 🙏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

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