Coming Up for Air

“You inspire people who pretend to not even see you. Trust me.” – Mckenzie Renae

Pick up your flashlights. We need everyone to light the way through this thing.

No hurry. No rush. Take time to notice where you are and what is happening right now. I am walking away from this place without worry. Freedom from worry is at the top of my gratitude list today. Worry means that you are unsure if life is happening the way that it is suppose to. My insides are not in a hurry. When it is time to pray or reflect, we kneel and find our seats. When the call of the times tells us to be brave and compassionate, we open our hearts. If tragedy strikes your home, your safe haven, you grieve and pause to reflect the heartache of the world. The calling of the times tells us that we may let our tears run freely.  The chasing and racing to just go all the time does not happen to where I cannot handle it anymore. This thing gets wider as it grows and goes longer along the way, and I am a steady hand. You will step into this new life, and you will be steady too. Even if it hurts like hell, you will find something like steadiness. I promise you this. Walking to yoga every morning is just as much a part of my practice as the time I spend in class, or the time I spend reading, writing, and meditating. It just so much like practicing Kundalini in our kitchen. The waking up is in the walking.

“The great miracle is to walk on the earth.”- Zen master Linji

Right now after what we all were reminded of this morning in Vegas, it is more important than ever that we take special attention to the motion of the wave taking us to the place where we are heading. Where is this motion taking us? This place taught me to embrace the “getting there” a little more, and I’ve found that once I arrive I am evenly placed with my feet on the ground and the  crown of my head extending just enough to lengthen my spine and open my palms. No rush. No hurry. I move with more efficiency since we moved here, so the second point on my gratitude list would have to be for Portland, for always. For Portland, forever ago, because this part of life is precious, and all of the me’s I’ve ever been love you, Portland. Thank you. On the way to yoga every morning, I make a physical stop past this giant fence because behind it there is a small concrete angel. She looks like me. She knows pain, and she knows what we know about taking the time to sit and reflect upon why and what does this feel like? On top of that, she’s behind a fence. I just get her. She has her cheeks resting in her hands like a little lotus flower supporting her chin and fallen face. She’s in that space where you’re done with the heavy weeping, but now you’re just raw and a little defeated: even so, her wings hang high because she is still an angel. She still has her wings, and she could leave at anytime, but angels like to take time to grieve.

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Let’s pause for our people who are hurting while we all turn on our flash lights. Come up for air from your deep sea dive into yourself to see what all is happening. How am I needed? Coming up for air to this world makes me want open to my heart and connect. Let’s move to a greater, kinder world because in the shape of pain we will find the deepest and truest emotion possible: Love. It has always been love even through the waves of hate and brutality that seem inescapable. These are the times where we grow the most. Like my concrete angel, I stop and see that she is not anywhere yet really, and in that space she is everywhere through her grieving. This is always okay. Sometimes we just need to sit with it just like angels do. It’s just the next right thing because deep listening will not steer you wrong. Come together through this.

Love for the world starts with love for ourselves.

If you are new to sobriety, you probably don’t even know what normal feelings are, so you’re probably in a massive hurry that you can’t identify with just yet. World issues may be beyond your comprehension today if you’re just trying to stay sober. This is normal. You will be okay. Deep sea diving is important, but the real growth happens when we come up for air and see the that these moments are the only things showing us how it all works. You have to admit that each one is precious. I take my time and listen without head hunting for places that are worth my time. I take the places that come through me as they are because we can’t really learn about who we are completely without opening ourselves up to the world. We are mirrors for each other. If you are awake and open to this path, I swear it will start to feel like God is just throwing events and people in your way for you. There is an episode of HOME podcast where Holly and Laura talk about how it feels like God is just pushing people out of the wings to bump into you. For me at first this felt like some kind of conspiracy was happening to me. Everyone was always AGAINST me, and I was always thinking wait a minute. Then I opened up to the idea that I loved others, so why would they not also love me? God and the universe also love me, and they want this to happen for me, for everyone. You get exhausted fighting grace. Accept the gifts as they happen to you. Maybe your grace today is the joy of not drinking and regaining attention to detail like the shape of your own hands, or the smell of cooking dinner for your family because this is how it happens in the beginning.

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“Time is a circus always packing and moving away.” – Ben Hecht

Sitting in my quiet place again. My mind is over saturated with tools, and it feels like there is only one answer. It feels like my answer because it is the only truth. It is everyone’s answer. Seeing the truth is so different than taking action in it, so sometimes pausing is the action we need to take like the angels. No one is too good for pausing and reflecting out of respect for yourself and for feeling the pain of others. We are the same, so one act for someone else is always an act for yourself as well. Yesterday I was frustrated with my recovery and all of our traveling. I got to thinking;

Sometimes it’s hard traveling like this because I am always an alien. No one understands what it is like to live this way unless you live this way. People brush this off like oh yeah I’ve lived on tour with whatever band, or I toured with my band… No you guys tour for months at a time and go back and forth to your home. Our home is literally the place where we stay because we are the circus. We pack up and leave just as swiftly as we arrive. This is our lifestyle, and I do not know how to share that part of myself here without sounding like it’s some unique way of copping out of something. NO we just have a totally bizarre life. This is it. There are no off days or back home days. We just keep going and settling into each other further along the way. This is tour-life from Montreal!!

Then I came up for air ( something one of my mentors has been saying lately along with slow art). I came up for air from a deep dive into my own dwellings. I came up for air this morning because I woke up this to this news about Vegas, and I am not an alien anymore. I do not feel disconnected from anyone. I am a resident of the world, and this attack happened in my home to my people. We are all one, so take some time today to pause and reflect on what happened to all of us, or whatever that might mean for you today. Find wherever you are most needed today in the present moment. Listen to the cry of the world as it calls to you. Love and light always. For Las Vegas, Houston, Nice, London, Atlanta, Portland, Tokyo for YOU and YOURS and your journey, for always. ❤

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