Silence is the sound of the 7th chakra. Neutrality.
This is where we start. I want you to take off your shoes and stand up, spreading out your toes on the floor. Slightly bend and relax your knees. I want you to settle into this standing posture with great attention to your beautiful feet splaying out on the surface beneath you. Open your palms to your sides with your eyes closed. Breathe. Keep on like this. Notice how your entire body relies on this surface. Breathe and settle. Notice the surface that supports your bones, your muscles and organs, your ideas, and your light. Without this surface you do not have a place to begin. Let’s dig deeper: is it rock, sand, glass, or concrete? Okay, now which one supports the life you are leading?
If a master of something is someone who understands the very essence of what she pursues, then it would only makes sense to start from the root when it comes down to working on ourselves. I mean, right? Can you know yourself through your core and find your way out? What is it that makes you, you? This question gets harder and harder for us, I think as our stories change, or as our stories stay too the same. We separate from the core from the root. You have a mind, a body, and a soul holding the light of the universe inside of you right now at this very moment, so who are you? It’s okay if you don’t have an answer to any of these questions. Sharon Salzberg says that “To truly love ourselves we must treat our stories with respect, but not allow them to have a stranglehold on us so that we free our mutable present and beckoning future from past.” Coming back home to ourselves in recovery is different than returning to what you were before because we cannot be from before. Our pain is too valuable. The way home and back to ourselves is more of a way back to the beginning and nature. Back to the sweet silence and neutrality of a home that we all share: the sacred place without opinions, where the sun does not judge us and just continues rising and falling next to crashing waves on ancient beaches. Where we accept that rain falls on everyone evenly.
Try not to get discouraged in all of this learning how to love yourself. Somedays will be better than others, and I can’t really know how it will all happen for you. All I know is that you always have a choice in how you respond whether or not you want to believe it. Pain does not end. There is no clear road here as long as we are living. Pain today. I cried on my mat AGAIN at Yoga Pearl because for the first time in a while, my inner dialogue started tearing me apart. Shame came back. It scared me because I forgot that I ever felt it for some reason. This morning, out of nowhere, my inner dialogue changes things up from open and loving to projecting all of these ideas about how other people REALLY view me. They’re all laughing at you for sharing so much of yourself online. My inner dialogue then starts laughing at my intelligence, my appearance, and starts spitting on my overall WORTH! Sometimes I really cannot understand how a person like me goes through all of this healing and changing just to treat herself like garbage, and then I notice that this hurts because I’m hurting myself. This is not okay. I have a choice. I do not want to hurt because I know the truth, and I choose to see that this is not okay.
We get to say no thank you because we know our true worth. You know how hard you’ve worked and how much love and kindness you have in your heart. I know I have. If you do not know this yet, just know that I know. Know that you do not deserve that kind of talking down to because no one deserves that. This is the pattern change. I know this because I go neutral. I go neutral in finding the 7th chakra sound of sweet silence, by breathing deeply, and by letting my roots show me where to begin. It helps to empty out the dead storylines of your life, so you can see your light. Shed the dead storylines because we have things to do, and we are traveling light. There’s just no need for any of that anymore. You will realize soon enough. What a feeling! What a freedom to stand up to your biggest and most brutal critic! Go neutral so you can step out with the freedom to see all that you are away from all of the stories you’ve been told about you. I go neutral to witness and remember that I am part of the wave of the universe. This is the place we hold inside of us, and it never goes away. It was there before I ever held my mother’s hand or sipped air from this earth, and even though everything I’ve experienced so far could easily tell me otherwise, going neutral tells me the truth.
I do not have to be the cool girl as Glennon would say, who doesn’t give a f*ck because I care too much about being there for myself to not give a f*ck. Listen to your heart so you can speak with ease and honesty to yourself and those around you. In my life since I started going neutral, I realized that when I come back I can recognize the old view of myself as unfair even if it still hurts. We can be so mean to ourselves especially when we are really working and learning to be these capable rockstars of our own worlds. Find the spaces where you can go neutral and notice the waves and deep baselines of your heart. You will feel the same as everything that cannot change in the universe, so it might still hurt you, but the progress comes from being able to notice it, feel it, and let it go. This is when we apply all of this learning and strengthening. Try not to look at an old view of yourself as a failure to absorb and really understand all of this hard work. Take chances with what you read and hear in all of this to actually apply your new skills and change your story. We are given opportunities to be brave all the time. Stepping into yourself right now takes courage. The ground beneath you holds you up, and you are always held. Keep on. ❤
Next City: Vancouver, British Columbia
This is our last week in Portland. Fall is happening, and it feels like the real North West from what what you hear about if you’ve never been here. This time last year we were living in Manhattan. Story: One afternoon, after leaving the hair salon, I had a magical, personal soundtrack to Ella Fitzgerald moment by myself just shaking my new hair and beaming with satisfaction at life. This was a “I ❤ NY” major moment strutting and walking home alone along 3rd. I was so over-dramatically happy that I turn and smile at this very old very small woman like we are both in a musical. She looks up at me from her walker and spouts a nasty look with the words; “Yeah right! F*CK YOU!”. right at me. It hit me through my skin, through my coat and clean, cold fall air. It took the whole way home for me to cope with what she said, an then I thought it was funny. She actually hurt my feelings. I’m not making this up. It sounds like something from a movie, and you’d think that real life would be a little more creative, but no it’s A big f*ck you from little old ladies sometimes, but the sun still shines. And now I’m sober, so it’s always welcome. Vancouver here we come!